Today was a day I didn’t want to do much thinking. Today was also a day that I did a lot of it. Even those two sentences. I was thinking about writing while I was taking a shower a little while ago, and I was thinking about my day. And while I thought about both of those things, I thought that those two first sentences would be a good opener for today’s entry. Actually, when I think about it, I did a lot of thinking about thinking today.
There might need to be another word other then ‘knowing’ to describe that which is only temporary understanding. Isn’t that all that ‘knowledge’ is anyways? We have agreed-upon collective ‘truths’ but they only stay so until a new discovery is made. Then, collectively, we shift our belief-systems to adapt to this new temporary knowledge. I guess that is how it is ideally supposed to work.
Anyways, I have done a lot of thinking today. But I have also tried to not think. Earlier I went into a pool, all the while trying not to think and to just be, to meditate I guess. Of course this was simply an invitation for thoughts to come flooding in. However, I stayed aware that the thoughts and the little voices narrating the thoughts weren’t necessarily my own. After all, how can we be sure they are OUR thoughts? We are constantly being bombarded by the stimulus around us and our own subconscious all the time. Even if they were OUR thoughts, would we really want to own them? I mean what is the point of owning a thought anyways? What good is it to take ownership over something we have so little control over. I say that because my mind seemed to, and seems to, contradict what I would call myself, a lot. Everyone has dark, violent, or rude thoughts. But most people are good people, and often ignore such thoughts or discard them as being fleeting emotional reactions to phenomena. That doesn’t make people bad people, it just means that thoughts aren’t necessarily who we are. Continue reading Au Contraire
What is the point of being here? Why am I on this college campus? What are all these people walking around me doing? Thinking? Going through? Do any of them wonder, as I do, whether or not there’s a point? Do any of them wonder, as I do, whether we are wasting our time?
Most of us know we’re getting screwed by the system yet we continue as if we weren’t, going through the motions, paying our dues and our bills, being productive members of society, never crossing that line from obedience to disobedience, all the while still being bent over the table. It wears on you, knowing your getting railed and still putting up with it. We inherited this position. We were born into it. A bunch of assholes who feel entitled to power argue amongst themselves in the Capital, fighting for position over their peers, constantly groveling at the feet of whoever can help them the most at that time. Usually, that helpful person is rich. They wave that good-smelling doe in front of politicians’ noses and say “roll over and I’ll let you have a treat!” I mean, do they even know that we know? Do they even care that people are figuring this stuff out? It seems like many of the people I talk to my age are in agreement: most of the stuff we do is pointless, we are powerless individuals just getting screwed over and over in all sorts of ways, the best we’ve got are drugs and booze because at least they show us a good time first. Continue reading 8 Seconds of Lucidity
Life is a process. The objective of this process is balance. Sometimes it feels like trying to balance to balance a perfect sphere on top of another perfect sphere in a moving car. Basically it feels futile. Sometimes this process is fun, but many times the futility of it, the absurdity of it, is too obvious and sobering. This is part of the process though, which makes it even more frustrating. Being consciously aware of the absurdity of the process, aware of how you react to it, and aware of how you should react to it all at the same time is mind-bending, and frankly exhausting. But the latter awareness, the awareness of how you should react to the process, is not really an awareness. It is an expectation. It is an expectation created by our minds and our societies.
I don’t like expectations. Expectations are distorted views of reality that attach people to certain imaginary outcomes. Maybe this is the key to why I find the process insufferable, the expectation of my reaction to the process. What is this expectation? How am I supposed to react to this process? Am I supposed to let pervasive suffering dominate my life? Am I supposed to be perpetually optimistic? Is my expectation even my own, or is it socially or culturally grounded? These questions only add to the suffering. My expectation is that the process will eventually lead somewhere, to some discovery of self, some revelation. But I also know that there is no end to this process. I do not know what happens when the organic body ceases to function, so I cannot say that this process ends in death. The awareness of our smallness, of our ignorance, of our perishability, is only balanced out by the awareness of our wholeness, our not needing to know but to be aware of, and our poetic mortality. But what balances out futility and absurdity? Continue reading Finding Balance Amongst Absurdity